✿ THE HOUSE ✿
Adra's house is a cozy stone cottage on the outskirts of Caissa, close enough to the sea that one can hear the breaking waves throughout the day.
This afternoon, there's light, cool rain falling intermittently, tapping in a rhythm at the windows and roof. Fortunately, the kitchen is warm, bright, and welcoming. Its counters and tables are covered with freshly prepared foods of all kinds, and there are plenty of chairs for visitors who might like to sit and relax.
A door from the kitchen leads out into the garden, which is not quite yet fully landscaped, but which boasts a promising array of flowers (orchids, roses, lilies, tulips, etc) and herbs. Adra's also cultivating strawberries, tomatoes, lettuce, and so on; the strawberries and cherries in particular are ripe for picking. Adra has strung enchanted, floating fairy lights all over the garden; they cast a soft, ethereal glow over the paths and carefully tended patches of greenery. At the garden's center, there's a clear pond filled with red and pink lotus blossoms.
Back inside, a visitor might like to rest in the den. There's a roaring fire in the hearth, and sitting near it for a short while offers a boost to the weary spirit. Soft, plush chairs and couches fill this room, making it ideal for lounging. The tables are covered with books borrowed somewhat indiscreetly from the library; they deal largely with the magic and history of Enprise.
Adjacent to the den is Adra's study. In here are half-empty bookshelves and antique rolling desk covered with neat stacks of papers, boxes of quills, and numerous pots of ink, each one in different, brilliant colors. His journal is somewhere here, too ...
Finally, down the hall one will find a half bathroom and, across from that, the door to the second bedroom--belonging to one Gilgamesh. The master bedroom, belonging to Adrasteius, is at the end of the hall. There's a full bath in there, but this room is definitively locked.
✿ THE SPREAD ✿
As usual, Adra's gone over the top in his preparations. For drinks, there's a sweet, refreshing punch; delicately pink and decorated with sprigs of flowers. There are pitchers of sparkling ice water, jugs of wine and spiced mead, and plenty of glasses to share.
Though Adra does not eat meat himself, he prepares it ably; there's a honey-glazed, roasted turkey in the center of the table, right beside a carving board heavy with seasoned, hand-carved slices of fresh beef. Red potatoes, bright with paprika and salt and glistening with pats of melting butter, are arranged in wedges around the turkey. There are woven baskets of steaming rolls, flaky and soft; platters of carrots and broccoli and asparagus; enormous bowls of belly-warming soup filled with thick wheat noodles, sliced egg, and shredded cabbage. At one end of the table, there's a plate of burgers, along with small dishes to fix them--bacon, crispy onions, sauteed mushrooms, and all the necessary condiments. He has plates of savory pies, filled with beef or pork or chicken; steamed and fried dumplings stuffed with meat and spring vegetables, plump and perfectly shaped.
The desserts are similarly extravagant: he has a plate of meticulously crafted flower and fruit cakes; some look like ripe, blushing peaches, others, he shaped into red orchids, lotus blossoms, or golden roses. He's made a chocolate tart so dark that its smooth, sugar-dusted surface shimmers reflectively in the overhead light. Cupcakes of all kinds are scattered here and there, as well as an extravagant, multi-tiered confection dripping with fudge sauce, encrusted with sliced strawberries and vibrantly colorful, fondant flower petals. There are loaves of warm banana bread; fruit tarts glittery with rainbow sugar crystals; and, under glass, an assortment of flavorful macarons baked to look like something plucked right from the starry sky.
But the most important thing about Adra's lavish banquet is this: all of the food is enchanted, laced with magic meant to inspire feelings of comfort and security. Eating it may conjure up familiar, welcome sensations or memories--nothing sorrowful or painful, and only as specific as you'd like. It could be something as simple as the feeling of a fuzzy blanket on a cold day, or as complex as a particular soothing memory. In all cases, the intended effect is meant to inspire calm and ease.
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Setsuna won't strike back. He won't raise his voice. He won't get angry, won't yell, won't scream like Gilgamesh has been doing. He'll just continue to stare at him with those soulful eyes, and speak in that soft, yet stern voice. Hearing his own words used against him now, I do not understand, I will never, did you not teach me that, has him feeling depressed. It makes all that fury inside him feel useless, so he lets go of it. Looks away. Ashamed. Hurt in a way only very few will ever see. Setsuna has already burrowed deep, to the core of him; there's no sense in trying to hide when he can see everything.]
You're always so faraway. He was like that, too. I could touch him, but to reach him—it always seemed impossible, no matter how tightly I held on.
[Gilgamesh's hands, previously raised in apparent attack, sag at his sides. A small man in a very big room, all of a sudden... that's what he is now.]
No, you do not understand. But despite that, you've come so close to me, telling me these things. You're either too bold or too uncaring of yourself.
[Perhaps both. Gilgamesh moves to sit back down again, rather like a hollowed out shell. He wants to reach for him again, wants to tell him he hadn't meant it, but it wouldn't be the truth. He had meant it, every single spiteful word. But did Setsuna even care at all? So faraway, he'd distanced himself from his own emotions.
Closed off his heart, as Gilgamesh had, to prevent it from being hurt. But maybe, in their case, it was more like avoiding alienation they knew all their lives.]
I am great and glorious still. Yet that does not lessen the pain any more than denying it would.
[A first: Gilgamesh finally admitting to another how tragically Enkidu's death impacted him, and tore him apart.]
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[ No matter how faraway Setsuna carries himself, he would be lying if he said nothing hurts him. It's exactly that many things affect him did he choose to live this way. Although Gilgamesh said that the young Meister has nothing, it's not entirely true either. Perhaps he originally did, and he technically still does, but saying that he's empty through and through would be insulting all the people that he's encountered ever since he was reborn. He knows it all too well, that despite the fact he has nothing... Those who learned to care and love who he is, or what he is, gave him everything. That's the primal difference of the him of today against the him of yesterday.
Thus, Setsuna can actually relate to the emotions of loss and agony. It does more than he lets on. He too lost valuable treasures that can never be replaced ever again, including his own heart. It's tragic that such precious lives were lost, but it can't be helped anymore... Yet as he said, it doesn't change the fact that these beloved people existed. And right now, those people continue to live within what remains of his broken heart. He lives on with their words, keeping his promise to them that he will change. And so he did, and is now doing what he can to secure the future with his renewed self. Though as Gilgamesh said... it doesn't make it any less painful. Maybe his heart will always remain broken, but his spirit will never break. ]
I am someone who only knows how to fight. But even with someone such as me, there are those who caused a flower to bloom within me.
[ It isn't necessarily because Setsuna doesn't care about himself... It's that he has always lived in the cold void. But that's no longer the case, not when so many people have given him an incredible amount of love. Just like the barren deserts that were raged by the fires of war, the desert flower can still bloom among its destroyed earths. That's why, no matter how broken, how far, how lost... Setsuna never will be empty, as long as he continues to carry the precious memories that everyone gave him.
Does Setsuna care at all? Gilgamesh knows the real answer to that without being told. Because— ]
Because you are right.
[ Shifting his position, Setsuna faces Gilgamesh properly before he takes over the unfinished task of the royal. He reaches out to him, cupping his face with two of his hands. He turns his face, making their eyes meet in silence. He lets a few seconds pass before he continues what he wants to say. ]
King, you have become one of those close to me. And you taught me that I will never understand you, but I did not acknowledge it. [ Despite him remembering each word. ] Because it does not matter to me... What really matters to me is your existence.
[ And maybe, just maybe, Enkidu felt the same way. ]
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[Gilgamesh cuts in abruptly with disagreement. He just lets the words hang for a moment before elaborating; the hands on his face have their typical effect, turn him docile and wring what's left of his aggravation clean out of him. He cannot even remember why he was angry, just moments ago, so gentle those fingers are despite so many they have killed.]
You know how to speak and to listen. You know how to plant flowers and play in the snow. You know how to delight children and how to bring me the very best gifts. You know how to live, for all you might claim you are already dead. You know how to do so much, it shames me you'd deny it.
[He slips their hands together, and though his face remains very stern and very proud, he praises Setsuna openly and without regrets.]
You need not understand me at all. You need only stay with me. What matters to me most... is that you remain.
[The King need not walk alone. Isn't that the lesson Setsuna, and the others taught him? Though at his core, he still refuses it, still expects to be abandoned and betrayed, there is a fledgling belief in the idea that he can have something more in this world. Something that the Grail as well as his station had always forbidden him.
He can have pleasure, earnest pleasure, in the company of others. And so, day by day, he lets go more and more of what's been left behind.]
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[ Gilgamesh may say that Setsuna knows all those things and more, but he struggles with each and every one of them. He's been trained to adjust to any situation, so that's all he does out of reflex and limited knowledge. He honestly had no idea on how to handle children back then, he was only acting according to the flow. Just as he was trained to do. Just as he faces everything else. If he was asked about it, he wouldn't know how to answer at all.
How did he delight those children? All he did was draw with them. It was those children who told him to do it, and so he did. He wasn't even good at it... He still doesn't know how it happened. That entire time, he kept wondering as well if he had any right to be there. He came because it was a job, because he needed the money to live on... Despite that, he knew within him that he wasn't meant to be among those innocent hearts. It was a little suffocating. It was no different from standing underneath a spotlight.
Setsuna returns a tight hold as their hands join. Maybe tighter than he intended. As he thinks about this further, it only brings him further into confusion. He doesn't want to think about it, so he won't. He shakes his head a little. ]
I only know the life in the battlefield...
[ That's why Setsuna couldn't accept Gilgamesh's love back then. The King should know this, especially that he's seen and is aware of the young Meister's core. Always isolated, can never fit among others... He's become so desensitized towards everything, that he sees everything black and white. When he stares at a beautiful field of flowers, all he sees is a distant future that he's trying so hard to fight for. ]
Even so, you accepted me for it. You...
[ —like me for it. Thinking about that makes his frozen eyes a little moist. How can he leave ever leave someone like that? Someone who understands him. ]
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[At first, it just sounds like a stray comment, without meaning and without context. But Gilgamesh goes on.]
I will fight for you, until the day you understand your life has value. I will stay with you, too, until that day comes you learn true joy, until you accept your own worth. If I see beauty within in you, then it is so, indisputably. To disagree is to show me disrespect, and I will not tolerate it from anyone.
[He huffs and puffs himself up again, as if he's about to launch into another argument. But really, he's just presenting Setsuna with what he believes to be inarguable facts. Every word out of his mouth is strong, stronger than ever before; and he looks at Setsuna like he might bore a hole clean through him. How dare he refuse my affections, Gilgamesh thinks. How dare he tell me no. And he won't allow for that, either. He won't allow for Setsuna to turn away.
He'll make him think about it. He'll make him think about it everyday, all the time, until he realizes Gilgamesh speaks the truth, as he always does.]
Take my love, or else. You cannot throw it back to me; I will smother you with it. I will overwhelm you with it. Do you hear what I am saying?
[The words are almost... obsessive. Frightening. But of course they are, they come from Gilgamesh, a tyrant among tyrants who won't let his prey go for anything. He holds so tightly to Setsuna's face, it's like he might crush it. His hands are trembling from some combination of anger and great passion.]
You are mine. My treasure. My knight. Start acting like it, or else you will humiliate me for ever making the effort.
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[ That's too selfish... But coming from a tyrant King, Setsuna is already anticipating this to happen. It's hypocritical and greedy. Gilgamesh, who very clearly stated to his face before... Said that he couldn't find happiness either, just like him. He who is doomed to eternally fight, just like him. They hold way too many similarities that it only strengthens the fact that this is selfish. His eyes glisten, but not because of the usual sparkle within them. No, they light up because of held back tears.
Setsuna already promised to stay with him. He'll stay with him, as a comrade. That goes without question. But to go beyond that... To acknowledge anything beyond that, to the depths of what they call love... That's something that he will never step onto nor is he capable of it anyway. Why does this have to be so complicated? It hurts. This is the kind of pain that he never wanted to feel again. Although, he knows he couldn't talk... He is fully aware that he himself said something selfish to the King before.
He told him to find happiness. Even while fully aware that the King might never be able to ever again, just like him. But it's too easy to say selfish things to others. It's harder to be selfless. It's always been that way, even if others don't acknowledge that fact. That's why, knowing his own hypocrisy, the young Meister doesn't really push the King away despite his own words. He stays still, even as the tight hold on his cheeks is beginning to hurt. That's because something else hurts much worse. ]
Why? Even though you understand me, you still...
[ Even though Gilgamesh can fully relate to it... ]
Humiliate you? It has nothing to do with that! If I do not love anybody, then no one will be hurt!
[ And so, for the first time in front of this person... In front of anyone, really. Setsuna raises his voice for the first time, and admitted something that he never thought he'd ever say. Though even in such a situation, he measures his words. Rather than say, I will not be hurt, he specifically said no one.
There has always been deep reasons of why Setsuna can't freely smile like others. To attempt ignoring that fact will be failing to love him altogether. ]
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[What did he say no to, exactly? There's no telling just what he meant, but when Gilgamesh leans forward, and kisses Setsuna on the corner of his lip, it becomes clearer. And he wants to do more than that, doesn't want to settle for just one; but Gilgamesh hasn't forgotten that look Setsuna pitched him in the field of flowers. It reminds him of what he can never have, no matter how hard and how far he presses.
But Gilgamesh was ever himself, so in the end, it didn't stop him. In the end, no matter what Setsuna did or said, he would pursue this path. He would grab the man by the hand and force him along until he ran and smiled as freely as the King. They were both immortals, both had plenty of time. So that is the choice Gilgamesh made, right then and there, on the couch beside him: I will fight for you, and I will never stop.
Gilgamesh backs away, looks away, and starts again, more softly:]
To love others, you must love yourself. And until I am drained absolutely dry, until I can no longer draw breath...
[They are people who chose the path of loneliness. But Gilgamesh bucks against it. And he knows, deep down, Setsuna wishes to do the same.]
I will teach you how to do so. Such is the everlasting decree of this everlasting King.
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Setsuna is unable to construe any of this. What is it about his empty being that Gilgamesh insists that he's beautiful, along with the rest of all those unsuitable words given to him? What is the King seeing inside of his unfulfilled void? Even though he is still continuing to seek further meaning in his existence, someone right before him has already seen it before he could. The overwhelm continues to surround him, uncertain of how to respond to such affection. He never did know how to respond to Princess Marina's own, even now...
And then Gilgamesh proclaims to teach him. His King is telling him that he'll show him. And it's then that Setsuna's eyes widen. The last few words are contradictory, but he knows what they really mean. Because Gilgamesh is immortal, just like him... It means that he will never back down from this even if it would last for an eternity. It reminds him of his own resolve, to never back down from finding the answers even if it last for an eternity. ]
Gi—
[ Setsuna almost utters a certain name for the first time, but he stops. In fact, it might as well be a hallucination. That's how quickly it dissipates into the wind. ]
King...
[ His throat tightens, losing all ability to respond vocally. So instead, he gives his answer through a gesture. Leaning up, he plants his own lips in front of the older man's, but that too is fleeting. That's because he doesn't know how he feels either. Its meaning is ambiguous. It doesn't necessarily entail that he returns the affections, it might as well be gratitude or appreciation. He wants to remain as himself. No matter what, he wants to continue remaining as himself more than anything else.
The meek movement proves that fact. He hopes that this is at least enough for now. Once he moves faintly back, he stares into the King's eyes, wondering if it is. ]
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It's enough. Gilgamesh may want another, but he doesn't seek another. He just holds this man, more like a boy, in his arms, and comforts him as he would his own brother. He doesn't expect anything else, even if he may desire everything else. He just lets Setsuna hang there, as if he always belonged there, and hushes him before he can fly into another upset.]
It is alright. Do what you are able; live as you must. Keep striving. Never tell yourself no, I cannot be that, because I am telling you: you can.
[Gilgamesh wasn't one for pep talks. Usually, he'd just deride a target into submission until it gave in. But in this case, he's also trying beyond his means, as he urged Setsuna to do. He opens his heart even as every instinct rails against it. He shuts his eyes, sighs, and says...]
I am telling you, even if you've no love for yourself at all, I will love you anyway. I will believe in my knight, as I hope he should believe in me.
[What more can he relay to him? He buries his head in Setsuna's shoulder and very nearly wills him to heed his words, no matter what.]
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"You are my reality." Setsuna's own words resound against his mind. He isn't moving away, because he prefers Gilgamesh to stay like this: for the King to acknowledge reality as well. He likes him this way rather than his earlier disillusioned self. And even though the two of them feel similarly to preferring distance, in their alienation their true feelings show. They never truly wanted to stay away from others, but it's the path where everything is much more comfortable as nothing felt real or felt right.
Setsuna's a little in awe... To think that the King would be the first one to step out from that comfort zone they both recognize all too well, not after he was so stubborn about wanting to be all alone. He was prepared for the long road ahead to convince Gilgamesh to find his place among others. He didn't want this King to end up like him. But look at them now, the situation has been reversed. Now, he's the one being pushed to do it as well.
Eventually, Setsuna closes his eyes together with his King. He folds those hands of his, clutching a part of the King's top within them. Aah... Had he been a weaker person, he would have shed a tear or two by now. Of course, he isn't like that. So he remains the same, powerfully enduring the emotions that are subdued within his armored heart. But he's weakened enough that he couldn't move anymore. He wanted to help the others clean up... Though now, he's frozen in place. ]
I feel a little strange...
[ Would it be all right to sleep like this...? Setsuna, who is unable to comprehend how he's actually feeling, has become ill. He doesn't want to open his eyes anymore for the rest of the afternoon, so perhaps leaving him to a small rest on the couch would be best for now. ]
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[Gilgamesh shifts a little, so they can more comfortably lie against each other. Setsuna could spend a few hours here, or even the night; he knows Adra wouldn't mind, wouldn't disturb them. And he looks so tired. Truth be told, Setsuna always looks tired. Tired with the world. Tired with his life. Tired with the sins he carries, and all the people who continue to tell him you are worth something when it often seems he feels less than nothing.
But it isn't true. Gilgamesh would never assume as worthless man as his knight. All the things Setsuna says, all he argues against, it's really just stubbornness. Stubbornness, and perhaps conditioning of the worst sort. Conditioning that seeps down to the soul and corrupts it, whispers in ears, wearing away at what remains of sanity. Gilgamesh can understand that. Actually, there's a lot he can understand even as he claims otherwise, to be above and beyond all people.
And what he understands now is that, for whatever reason, he has formed a connection with this man and doesn't wish to let go. Nothing and no one will ever replace Enkidu, his truest knight and dearest friend. His weapon, his world. But he has Setsuna. He can allow himself that much, company to his crown. A little shadow to stand in his sun, though just as grand in his own way. Because, after all, a shadow cast by a King was quite large, indeed.
Gilgamesh buries his face in that crown of messy hair and plants a kiss on it.]
I will look after you, as you have looked after me. It is an order, so don't refuse.
[Because, even if he did, Gilgamesh would remain, as he always did and always would, until the end of time.]
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Various voices resonate in his mind. Voices of people he knew from home, and those who he came to know here... Their words fill him, turning into a dissonance of screams. "There are many ways to live outside of fighting!" Her voice most of all strikes him the heaviest. And again, all he could reply with is, I cannot think of any... He doesn't know, he doesn't know, he doesn't know! He wants to one day come to know, but right now, he really can't come up with an answer... And then the King's voice tells him to rest.
Rest...
His heart calms by that one word, allowing himself into ease. He has time... Too much of it, even. He doesn't need to hurry with discovering what he's yet to see before him. He doesn't want to run too fast and trip to the ground. As Gilgamesh's kiss settles him further, he decides to move his hands to redirect the King's own to cover his ears. For now, he just wants to block everything out of his head. ]
King... Has anyone ever told you that your hands are calming?
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[That much he can answer without hesitation, without the usual layers of ego and arrogance.]
As a Servant, I killed, and I killed, and I killed, and I killed... and only rarely did such hands offer any comfort. But even so, I also loved. It is not beyond me, beyond people like us—it is not impossible, and it is hardly forbidden, to know these pleasures.
[But that's just starting the argument up all over again, when Setsuna clearly needed a moment's respite. He offers soothing hands along his face, stroking cheekbones and massaging skin, though they refuse to cover his ears up, as he seems to want. When the King speaks, others must listen. That was the unbreakable law of the land.
He will soothe him to sleep, for as long as it takes. Maybe his hands weren't comforting, but they could be soft. They could be warm, and welcoming, like a lover's.]
Hush now, little knight. We may worry over the matter later. For now, be good to yourself, and lie with me.
[If only it could be as he truly desired. If he only he could ever have this man for his own. For now, this will do.]