[More sparks, more arcing as she wills the mana out through her fingers.]
[It's close. She can feel it, but there's a part of her that's holding her back. She's never been able to do it. Even seeing it like this--it doesn't feel real. The slithering feeling of her mana's direction is distracting, and that she can feel it at all is vaguely terrifying. If she actually casts a spell... if she can do it now, doesn't that change everything she thought she knew? Her pride as a magic null--as someone who could survive without that bullshit magical abilities the gods had blessed literally the rest of existence with--has always been who she is. It's infuriated her... but it's an excuse. Her way of justifying why she's lost when she inevitably decides to turn tail and run.]
[If she can start using the same powers as everyone else... If she loses now... If she can't keep up, she really is better off dead, isn't she?]
[Not that Caren can hear any of this internal conflict going on right now, as she focuses and repeats the phrase and the arcs grow in number but never quite get to what they're meant to be.]
[It's tiring. It's tiring and her head is starting to hurt from focusing so hard in a way she's not used to. Should she be able to do this? Is this right? It's easier if she's just a null. 'Just' something handicapped compared to everyone else. That makes her successes more awesome, and her losses more excusable.]
[But... She can't do that. If she doesn't claw her way up and use every advantage that she can get, she's going to die. She has to play smart. She has to use every dirty trick she can come up with.]
[In the back of her mind, she remembers something. The first time she saw a friend of hers fire off lightning at an enemy. About how she was impressed, but she brushed it off by saying she could make a more intimidating incantation.]
[She takes a deep breath. Time to take her own advice.]
Taste lightning, asshole!
[This time, the arcs work right, forming an orb of electricity in the middle of her hands that wriggles around like it's ready to burst at any moment in any direction. She can feel her mana around it, twisting within it.]
[This is her. She's done this. She can do magic. Actual magic.]
[If she weren't so focused on not letting this orb explode, she'd be smiling right now. Really.]
no subject
[More sparks, more arcing as she wills the mana out through her fingers.]
[It's close. She can feel it, but there's a part of her that's holding her back. She's never been able to do it. Even seeing it like this--it doesn't feel real. The slithering feeling of her mana's direction is distracting, and that she can feel it at all is vaguely terrifying. If she actually casts a spell... if she can do it now, doesn't that change everything she thought she knew? Her pride as a magic null--as someone who could survive without that bullshit magical abilities the gods had blessed literally the rest of existence with--has always been who she is. It's infuriated her... but it's an excuse. Her way of justifying why she's lost when she inevitably decides to turn tail and run.]
[If she can start using the same powers as everyone else... If she loses now... If she can't keep up, she really is better off dead, isn't she?]
[Not that Caren can hear any of this internal conflict going on right now, as she focuses and repeats the phrase and the arcs grow in number but never quite get to what they're meant to be.]
[It's tiring. It's tiring and her head is starting to hurt from focusing so hard in a way she's not used to. Should she be able to do this? Is this right? It's easier if she's just a null. 'Just' something handicapped compared to everyone else. That makes her successes more awesome, and her losses more excusable.]
[But... She can't do that. If she doesn't claw her way up and use every advantage that she can get, she's going to die. She has to play smart. She has to use every dirty trick she can come up with.]
[In the back of her mind, she remembers something. The first time she saw a friend of hers fire off lightning at an enemy. About how she was impressed, but she brushed it off by saying she could make a more intimidating incantation.]
[She takes a deep breath. Time to take her own advice.]
Taste lightning, asshole!
[This time, the arcs work right, forming an orb of electricity in the middle of her hands that wriggles around like it's ready to burst at any moment in any direction. She can feel her mana around it, twisting within it.]
[This is her. She's done this. She can do magic. Actual magic.]
[If she weren't so focused on not letting this orb explode, she'd be smiling right now. Really.]