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open | Caps, subject headers are your friend.
Who: Kain and various and sundry other people who exist, I guess.
When: 7/26, though I like to think of it more as 'ambiguously timed'
Where: The majestic outskirts of Lasker.
What: Gratuitous train adventures.
Rating: I'm still the worst at giving shit a rating. I'll adjust accordingly, but it'll probably have the standard PG13 'not entirely wholesome but still vaguely wholesome' bent to it.
In which they get lost at some point:
[Two hours ago there had been a conversation which led to them marking a tree, in some deliberate and hard to ignore fashion - an X carved into it, paint, whatever - after the subject of them possibly going in circles had been raised. Two hours later, whoever had implied it turned out to be right. They were standing there. Staring at the tree. Probably bleakly given the two hours in which they had gone in a gigantic circle, but who knows. Maybe someone was fucking thrilled by it.
Kain was resigned as he stared at whatever deliberate mark they had made.]
What now?
[Obviously they keep on walking so it's kind of a rhetorical question, kind of not because they just made a giant circle and if they had a map it was lost in some hilarious yet tragic fashion, like the river took it.]
Because I couldn't figure out a way to work this into the train log:
Hold this. [And without further preamble the small and pampered (up until recently, at least, the last few days were harrowing) Pomeranian that was literally dogging Kain's steps and getting in the way of them searching the boxcars was handed to whoever he was talking to.
The dog seemed thrilled by the attention. Woof. (The dog was Saint von Andeloga the Third, owned by a Lasker merchant called who may or may not have nagged the heroes until they promised to go look for the pup. They may or may not know this.)]
Obligatory escort mission:
[And then he asked the most ominous of questions, the sort of question that led to awkward situations typically involving not dying.]
Do you hear that?
[It's either the sniffling of small children or they've got some people they're shepherding and it's the prelude to a bunch of bandits demanding their GP or their HP, so to speak.]
When: 7/26, though I like to think of it more as 'ambiguously timed'
Where: The majestic outskirts of Lasker.
What: Gratuitous train adventures.
Rating: I'm still the worst at giving shit a rating. I'll adjust accordingly, but it'll probably have the standard PG13 'not entirely wholesome but still vaguely wholesome' bent to it.
In which they get lost at some point:
[Two hours ago there had been a conversation which led to them marking a tree, in some deliberate and hard to ignore fashion - an X carved into it, paint, whatever - after the subject of them possibly going in circles had been raised. Two hours later, whoever had implied it turned out to be right. They were standing there. Staring at the tree. Probably bleakly given the two hours in which they had gone in a gigantic circle, but who knows. Maybe someone was fucking thrilled by it.
Kain was resigned as he stared at whatever deliberate mark they had made.]
What now?
[Obviously they keep on walking so it's kind of a rhetorical question, kind of not because they just made a giant circle and if they had a map it was lost in some hilarious yet tragic fashion, like the river took it.]
Because I couldn't figure out a way to work this into the train log:
Hold this. [And without further preamble the small and pampered (up until recently, at least, the last few days were harrowing) Pomeranian that was literally dogging Kain's steps and getting in the way of them searching the boxcars was handed to whoever he was talking to.
The dog seemed thrilled by the attention. Woof. (The dog was Saint von Andeloga the Third, owned by a Lasker merchant called who may or may not have nagged the heroes until they promised to go look for the pup. They may or may not know this.)]
Obligatory escort mission:
[And then he asked the most ominous of questions, the sort of question that led to awkward situations typically involving not dying.]
Do you hear that?
[It's either the sniffling of small children or they've got some people they're shepherding and it's the prelude to a bunch of bandits demanding their GP or their HP, so to speak.]
doge
The pomeranian--this pom she remembers tailing after Kain for some time now. She only holds onto it... Uhm. It yaps happily at her and she can only make a perplexed face. She has no idea what to do with it, but she has to hold it. ]
Is this not your carrier?
I wanted to play dogeball but the doge deserves better.
No. Actually, I was starting to wonder if it was yours given how it persisted on following us [Him, but allow him his denial.] about. My own carrier is...
[...
Words. Words.]
Mechanical. [That's the word he said, but the tone was more like, "I am unsure about it."]
that's rude but doge appreciates anyway
I see. This one is not mine, either.
[ Her carrier is actually hiding somewhere because the pom scared it. It is a scaredy cat unlike the fluff ball in her arms. She looks down at it before petting it once then looking for a collar. Is there even one? It doesn't even feel like a carrier now that she holds it. They usually follow their owners 24/7. ]
Perhaps it belongs to someone in Lasker. [ What a brave puppy, she thinks. ] We can look for its owner after we're done here.
[ "We" because you dragged her into puppy duty and because she doesn't think the pom will leave without him. Speaking of here-- ]
Have you found anything out of the ordinary?
gdit dw, gdit
This is why you need to be careful with your puns.
This. Is. Why.]
What isn’t out of the ordinary here?
[But he knows what she means, and nods his head in a direction which is known as ‘over there.’ Over there happens to either have a slightly singed door with…well. A handprint, implying the grim fate of the inhabitants of the train car. Or it happens to have the tasteless contents of someone’s luggage strewn over the forest and what will assault them is the world’s most ugliest underpants, among other things. (Shades of neon green and puce, perhaps, like hideous tinsel decorating a tree.)
Or both.]
shh hshshhh i love these puns
She's quiet at the the hand print on the door. Her expression falls a bit, obviously morose over the incident especially with such evidence. The pom is only happily panting in her arms. She has brought a bag with her, so she carefully stows the pom in there, making sure there's a large opening for it to peek out its head. ]
It looks like they were locked in.
[ They suffered long until their end, unable to even move from cart to cart. Only trapped to such small confines. ]
If there is nothing else, we should at least clean up this half of the forest...
[ you know bears can strangle themselves with those ugly sweatpants, bro. you gotta believe me. She looks at him with bright green eyes--pom is also looking at him. Always looking at him. ]
Oh, nah, it fucking ate the tag because of server errors hence the gdit.
Kain got as far as turning back to her. He opened his mouth to say something before his unintentionally dramatic sentence died with a slight noise as his gaze, involuntarily, dipped down. Pom stared back at him. Pom’s tail was wagging. Pom was lonely in the forest and now pom was not and pom was excited. Excited! Excited!
And with an expression which said I can’t believe I’m doing this without actually saying it, Kain found himself reaching out and scratching the pom behind an ear. Which only encouraged the dog. (He liked dogs and all, but there’s a dog and there’s the pomeranian.)]
Has-
[So unsure. There’s also a space in which a gender would go, and Kain realized he could check and then realized that his life hadn’t become so poor that he was going to just stare at dog crotches just to get a pronoun right and what was his life and what were his decisions why.]
-has it been staring…? [All of this time? He had felt stared at but told himself it was a particularly vicious bit of wildlife or maybe his chocobot running around in the distance with a buzz and a wark. Please say no.]
dw was screwing up last night too
She raises her eyebrows at his question. It feels like it came out of nowhere as she holds up some disco pants that practically reflect light off each flashy tile. It might as well blind Kain, to be honest.
Don't worry, she does steal a glance to the pom in her bag. ]
I think so. I can't say my eyes have been on it the whole time, but it seems quite attached to you.
[ Hence she thought it was your carrier, dragoon man. ]
no subject
Hm.
[That's the only response she gets. (Well, and a grimace at the pants because they sparkled so loudly that he almost thought they were a random encounter before realizing that no, those were intended to be pants.) It was a noncommittal sound - neutral, neither betrayed irritation nor interest - and as flat and as smooth as a placid lake. Because she did have the right idea. They should get back to work.
…at least that had been the only intended response, but two minutes later he turned to her. In his hands: a blanket. It was decent and looked like it could be warm. The one downside was the fact that it had a design of Archer on it. It looked homemade or fanmade.
In fact, it wasn’t even a body pillow type design, in which he’s sprawled on it in a come hither take me pose, no. That would’ve been embarrassing, but in a way they’re all used to. This was embarrassing in the fact that they went in the other direction and tried to make him look cool, and went so over the top that it ended up on the other side and was hilarious. The sunrise and the eagle on his outstretched arm didn’t help. They likely got other details wrong like the fact he was wearing white and looked noble and determined but in a hopeful sort of way opposed to quietly trying to not die on the inside.]
Isn’t this…?
[...some dude hanging around Caissa that I think I saw once? He had no idea.]
no subject
[ You know, that looks exactly like him, but so far from the actual one. She's floored by the design and its extraneous details. His teeth looks better than anyone's she has ever seen. Her eyebrows furrow as she looks at it. I mean, she's glad that Archer has a fan already. The man could use some positive outlook on his life and see the brighter things.
She starts folding the pants, so it's now a quarter less blinding. ]
I wasn't aware that he had any fans. Ah, there's another one.
[ She pulls it from under some rubble. In a similar fashion, this blanket paints a grand picture of Estinien. Very much like Archer's pose, the dragoon is in a rather tasteful pose, elegantly lounging on a chair with his lance by his side. However, there are some rather strange details on this one in comparison. Let's see, Estinien is--
Armorless.
Topless.
Bare chest.
The most pristine nipples.
But here's the catch... His helmet is still on. ]
no subject
But, ah. Kain has no helmet and his spear is a rather mundane one. He is one of the many heroes who’ll end up spending 90% of his budget on replacement weapons. And so the lance depicted on that…thing is much nicer than what he has and will have unless he’s lucky enough to get a magical one but hahahahaha, like that would happen. But, it’s similar enough that here’s the first word out of his mouth:]
Me?
[Yes.]
No. [There’s enough wrong about it that it doesn’t feel exactly right to be him but regardless he’s going to play it safe and silently offer the Archer blanket in exchange for the blanket of Estinien.
So he can burn it and salt the fucking ground.]
gdit i knew i was missing a thread SORRY
[ She looks at the blanket he takes into his own hands. Now she has Archer's, but she isn't complaining. She has nothing against the man. However, Kain looks like that he's about to destroy something? That's how she processes the silence. ]
Such strange merchandise, but I guess I shouldn't be surprised--
[ But then the pomeranian starts shaking wildly, so Saber quickly takes it out before placing it on the grounding. Maybe it needs to tinkle--
It hops against the blanket of Estinien, thinking that it's Kain. It's literally just a body with a helmet, but it somehow ties Kain and this blanket together with ease. It yaps happily, saying that this is its husbando. Its tail is also wagging furiously now that it's freed. ]
... This dog is truly strange and unruly. Should I still restrain it?
[ HE IS MINEE said the pomeranian. Saber doesn't let it distract her from collecting the clothes. These can be actual hazards to the wilderness. Next, she pulls out the blinding tunic. Maybe even worse than the disco pants, but she folds it quickly. ]
How very dare you.
His expression was neutral, flat, almost…almost convincingly so, but it’s the neutral flatness that one acquired when they discover that the missing puppies had ended up in their room and all of them got scared and peed on their bed and so the person gazing is trying very (oh so very) hard to not react to it. There’s a slight twitch to the lips or to the eyes which implies that something is going on, deep down, but it’s being carefully contained for the time being.]
I doubt you can. It-
[He’s going to force himself back to work instead of staring at the pomeranian. He is going to start collecting spangled pantaloons from that tree (which are bad enough that he turns to Saber to just be like look, look at this, and then they discover they're actually assless chaps and not pantaloons when he unfurls them) and try to not look at the dog.]
It seems determined. The blanket is containment enough. Trying to part the dog from that…thing would be more trouble than it’s worth.
[He’s trying to convince himself of this.]
don't judge me
[ She follows after Kain with little extra words, helping him pick up the stray panties and... Is this a mankini? It just looks like a sling to her, so she holds it up and watches it barely unfold. Nope. No idea what this is supposed to be, but she merely folds it back up.
The pomeranian actually follows after them while dragging Estinien's blanket around. Just because it has merchandise, doesn't mean it doesn't want to see the original. However, the dog doesn't seem to know the difference between the two dragoons... ]
That is... Convenient, I suppose. [ She looks down at it. So fluffy, so happy. ]
I can judge whoever I want.
And then this.
And then all of this happened. He wanted to atone for his sins. This wasn't what he had in mind.]
I'd be more concerned about what it might attract if we let it roam without our supervision.
[...
That's actually a good point, isn't it. In fact, it's a good enough point that he's going to pause and give Saber a frown, because he just imagined the dog getting eaten by a bear and that's not exactly a pleasant thought. (Meanwhile, his chocobo clomps closer with a clang, clang, clang.)]
no subject
It seems preoccupied now, so we should be fine.
[ However there's a large roar nearby. Saber's eyes widen before they avert to a certain direction. So who asked for a bear? ]
Shoves you here.
My weapon is a pair of shades which causes my target to dance to music. Yours? [There's shit snapping closer. Please say that you're a Bishop who'd recently time traveled and respecced to tamer.]
stop
... I have a Grail that can cast barriers and a sword of light.
[ She basically has a destructive lightsaber. ]
Perhaps you can immobile the beast with your shades?
disowns harder
So while Smokey starts boogying to the beat-] Let's just leave.
[He'll pick up his chocobo. She can take the pom. He doesn't have the heart to fell the bear at this point.]
owie...
She will pick up this pom and bring it with them--and the pom takes the blanket as well. It will not leave without this blanket. ]
That went rather well.
[ But this bear has the willpower to boogey after them?? ]
...now I feel bad. :<
A moment known as staring at it as his brain whispered no. Furthermore-]
The music will only last for a minute longer- two, if we’re lucky. [But he’s got this. Or…
Thought he did. He got as far as twirling his spear in the way that all cocky spear-wielding men tended to whip them about during the prelude to battle (it’s an occupational hazard) and was about ready to jump before remembering…
Oh!
Right.
Jumping isn’t a thing here.
…]
it is okay i will survive
...
Any moment now?
Soon?
Uhm. ]
Are you all right?
1/9
Hn. [Something along the lines of ‘by the scaled and no doubt vile arse of Bahamut he hated this place’ or more simply ‘fuck this noise’ floated through his head.]
You no doubt understand, however…do you know the feeling where there’s something you’re accustomed to being able to do, and then you get a reminder that such things are beyond your ken now that you are here?
9/9
[The bear broke free with a dramatic snarl. Fuck him, this suddenly went down from a dramatic fight and more like exterminating 15 bears so they could take their arses back to a quest giver for some mediocre reward. He’ll take care of this. It’s just really fucking…
Seriously, if he were the type he’d go to a bar later and bitch and moan over a pint. That’s the type of mood he’s in.]
goddamnit
plops onto the floor and falls into a slumber. ]
It takes some time getting used to... What was supposed to happen?
[ During that time where you just stood there and shit. ]
When will my chair return from the war.
There’s a moment in which he remembers…oh. Right. She probably has no idea what the hell he’s talking about, and then…then he almost hastily, belatedly, adds:]
Not like what you’re envisioning, I imagine. Higher than that.
[Because seriously, trying to break the habit of not thinking in multiple angles, some airborne, is really throwing him off.]
never
Fuck me, I'm tired, you get the copout.