Letting his eyes close at that... it's as much to let it sink in as swallow back the mixed roll of emotion at that. Happiness, loneliness; guilt. The somewhat unsettling realization that would keep gnawing at the corner of his mind every since realizing that in Enprise that sense of belonging, the feeling of camaraderie again with others...
...only highlighted how lonely he'd been.
(He didn't want to think about that. Not admit how not fine he actually was on his own.)
And did finding solace in it mean he was running only further away from himself and everything he'd sworn an oath to? For meeting so many people he cares and would do so much for, who have done so much for him... Is that weakness, finding solidarity there? Am I being blinded again because of how brightly they all shine? Because to walk a path as he does that's full of everyone and everything he's sworn a vow to... is that by default something he could only do alone? He presumed as much without even really thinking about it, ever since he made his promise to—with—Crown Clown. Mostly just because he'd never actually expect someone to agree with him so fully.
But then Lux had. And has. But she also knows nothing of his world and akuma—
...and never will.
And maybe that's as far as it could ever extend. The only way it could ever be. At least for a while.
"I think maybe.. that I want to exist in this world, too," he admitted to Lavi. And had been so surprised when the other Exorcist accepted and stood by him on that he thought his throat might close over and his eyes in need of a scrubbing.
(Maybe he hadn't been thinking at all and misjudged them terribly when he left. But then... it was for the better for them regardless that he had.)
And that's what made it okay, wasn't it? To be in a world where he could still see them, where he could feel like he still feel as he belonged by their sides and could be there, where his being around wasn't a danger to their wellbeing or (and it's a heady notion still) anyone's, perhaps... because it wasn't giving up on his home or replacing it, because so many parts of what he considered a home were here too, were still a part of him, belonging here and to this—
..wouldn't it be worse to imply that it wasn't such an amazing thing?
(For at least so long as they're both... that they're all here.)
It's why when he opens his eyes again after a long moment, it's with a very peaceable sort of expression. Eyes hooded to half-mast by lashes weighed down as if by a heavy snow, like someone tired from being on such a very long journey.
And being home at last. ] Aah...
[ For now. For as long as he can, before..
—before something he won't dwell on, and he just smiles and shakes his head a little. She moved a little closer and laced fingers with his head; he shifts a little the other way to meet in the middle so the space didn't seem like so much to lean across, touching his forehead lightly to hers. Nosetips brushing faintly for a moment and a tickle of breath just shy of breath. Like someone leaning into the most fragile, delicate—important sort of connection.
Thank you when it seems more he still can't believe, even if he won't bring himself to actually ask himself it...
...am I allowed to? ]
I think... [ Because this has to be okay, because...
...how could it not, when he's hasn't felt more himself—more close to his vows—than he has in so many months? At least in a world where he's been so far removed physically from them.
And it's why when his eyes flicker open again, a sliver of grey to fix on her blue, they aren't conflicted. ]
no subject
"It would make me so happy."
Letting his eyes close at that... it's as much to let it sink in as swallow back the mixed roll of emotion at that. Happiness, loneliness; guilt. The somewhat unsettling realization that would keep gnawing at the corner of his mind every since realizing that in Enprise that sense of belonging, the feeling of camaraderie again with others...
...only highlighted how lonely he'd been.
(He didn't want to think about that. Not admit how not fine he actually was on his own.)
And did finding solace in it mean he was running only further away from himself and everything he'd sworn an oath to? For meeting so many people he cares and would do so much for, who have done so much for him... Is that weakness, finding solidarity there? Am I being blinded again because of how brightly they all shine? Because to walk a path as he does that's full of everyone and everything he's sworn a vow to... is that by default something he could only do alone? He presumed as much without even really thinking about it, ever since he made his promise to—with—Crown Clown. Mostly just because he'd never actually expect someone to agree with him so fully.
But then Lux had. And has. But she also knows nothing of his world and akuma—
...and never will.
And maybe that's as far as it could ever extend. The only way it could ever be. At least for a while.
"I think maybe.. that I want to exist in this world, too," he admitted to Lavi. And had been so surprised when the other Exorcist accepted and stood by him on that he thought his throat might close over and his eyes in need of a scrubbing.
(Maybe he hadn't been thinking at all and misjudged them terribly when he left. But then... it was for the better for them regardless that he had.)
And that's what made it okay, wasn't it? To be in a world where he could still see them, where he could feel like he still feel as he belonged by their sides and could be there, where his being around wasn't a danger to their wellbeing or (and it's a heady notion still) anyone's, perhaps... because it wasn't giving up on his home or replacing it, because so many parts of what he considered a home were here too, were still a part of him, belonging here and to this—
..wouldn't it be worse to imply that it wasn't such an amazing thing?
(For at least so long as they're both... that they're all here.)
It's why when he opens his eyes again after a long moment, it's with a very peaceable sort of expression. Eyes hooded to half-mast by lashes weighed down as if by a heavy snow, like someone tired from being on such a very long journey.
And being home at last. ] Aah...
[ For now. For as long as he can, before..
—before something he won't dwell on, and he just smiles and shakes his head a little. She moved a little closer and laced fingers with his head; he shifts a little the other way to meet in the middle so the space didn't seem like so much to lean across, touching his forehead lightly to hers. Nosetips brushing faintly for a moment and a tickle of breath just shy of breath. Like someone leaning into the most fragile, delicate—important sort of connection.
Thank you when it seems more he still can't believe, even if he won't bring himself to actually ask himself it...
...am I allowed to? ]
I think... [ Because this has to be okay, because...
...how could it not, when he's hasn't felt more himself—more close to his vows—than he has in so many months? At least in a world where he's been so far removed physically from them.
And it's why when his eyes flicker open again, a sliver of grey to fix on her blue, they aren't conflicted. ]
...that would make me really happy, too.